LETTER TO THE NEXT HOUSE-SITTER AT MOM AND DON’S

Dear Fortunate Friend,

I just spent a week at this lovely ranch in Oakland, Oregon taking care of Mom and Don’s two dogs, four horses and countless cattle. I assure you that you will thoroughly enjoy this ranch “retreat” away from your to-do list and daily demands.
The clouds in the east are absolutely gorgeous over the pond in the morning. Walk down the hill and get a closer feel. 

The pond in the morning.

If you get a clear night, sit on the back deck and look at the stars as long as possible. Take a few drives in the four-wheeling Kubota for a better glimpse of the golden, rolling fields and breath-taking horizons around the property. 

There's a yellow dog somewhere in this picture.

Aunt Sooz lives down the road. She knows how to find and count the cattle and will make sure you have carrots to feed the horses. She’s a riot. Definitely run or walk along the fence line to take in sounds of rustling grass, birds calling, and momentary silence. The king-sized memory foam bed is to die for and the kitchen makes you feel like a real chef. However, to ensure your time here remains peaceful, a few suggestions:

• They have two dogs. You don’t need to bring your own dogs from the city. Four dogs is a lot of barking, slobber, poop and destruction. If you do bring your dogs, keep the broom handy to swing and yell, as they don’t understand that when we're at the ranch, dogs don’t come in the house. They will bark at the window for hours on end until you go ape-shit on them and everybody gets the message to just lay down. (luckily, the neighbors aren’t close enough to hear your tirades)

• They have a young lab named Scout. Do not leave ANYTHING, I repeat, leave NOTHING outside the house you don’t want destroyed by his manic chewing. This includes bushes, siding and birds. I realize you have no choice but to leave those outside things outside, so you must listen intently for chewing noises and come running with the broom if you hear anything. It’s a good idea just to sweep the perimeter every half hour.

• If you are prone to poison oak, don’t pet the ranch dogs.

•  Do not cook anything that drips cheese in their stove. They have a very clean stove and you must keep it that way. Also, there are brillo pads under the sink for when you discover that nonstick cooking spray turns an expensive pan brown if you spray it after the pan is hot. Or for when Aunt Sooz uses one of their expensive pans to put out a fire.

•  If you decide to sit by the fireplace with a glass of wine, you only need to turn the gas on a little. If you turn it on full blast and use the firestarter to ignite it, you may end up with shorter, or alltogether missing, eyelashes.

• Make sure you know how to open the flue to the fireplace. Even though the flames look like they are being pulled up the chimney, the smoke will still fill the living room. The smoke alarm will go off. When Aunt Sooz and Cousin Caity come to help, you will still not be able to figure out how to prevent smoke from going inside instead of outside. You will open all the doors and windows, so Mom and Don’s belongings don’t smell like camping and the naughty city dogs will run into the house.

• Mom and Don don’t have fans. If you fill the house with smoke, you will have to lock up the dogs, open all the doors and windows and beat a towel through the air until you have pit rings. They don’t have Febreeze either, but Aunt Sooz and Caity can bring you that. Plug in the scentsy candle that smells like Christmas.

• Keep the gate to the driveway closed. If you have a really windy day, it may get blown open. Just close it. It doesn’t mean there is a criminal lurking around the house. If there were, the dogs might actually bark at something worthwhile.  

• When increasing air flow in the house, so as to eliminate smoky odor that may be residing in the rafters days after the fireplace incident, open only windows. If you crack the living room slider half an inch (the size of Bender’s nostril) you may find a yellow city dog has quietly snuck, not only into the house, (NO DOGS ALLOWED IN THE HOUSE!) but is laying, shamelessly in the king-sized memory foam bed.

• When Scout has grown tired of chewing trees, rocks and steel near the house, he will wander away and come back down the long driveway holding a large and feathery, long-necked and limp dog toy. When you discover the dog toy is a wild turkey, don’t just stare in fascination at its fleshy gobbler. To keep the lawn area near the house from looking like the after math of a teenage pillow fight, you must be willing to man handle a dead bird. It’s just like Thanksgiving, but with beady eyes, sharp beak and scaly legs. Turn a garbage bag inside out and wear it like one large mitten on both hands. I’m not sure if you will need to plug your nose, because I did not breathe, nor open my eyes. Grab it quickly. Tie off the garbage bag and put it in the Kubota for Don to deal with.

•  After you realize that Bear (the other ranch dog) barks through the night under your window if you leave the outside light on, you will try to exit your room to turn it off. After taking sluggish steps through the blackness, you will turn the handle, unlock, relock, unlock and yank on the door. It will not open. It is not a burglar locking you up, while he ransacks the place. Do not panic, the door handle has merely stopped working. If your entire body is stiff with claustrophobia, remind yourself there is another exit from your room. Leave through the adjoining bathroom and let Don deal with the broken handle.

•   Mom and Don have lots of wine in the house they don’t mind you drinking. However, they take their wine opener with them on their trips. Bring your own, as you will need lots of wine on your peaceful retreat.

·        I hope these veteran house-sitter tips make your time at the ranch seamless. Oh, and do not house-sit for any other reason but out of the goodness of your heart. If you are expecting lobster tail as payment, remember that people often go on lobster diving trips and come home with only some store-bought fish.

The Ranch is really a lovely place to spend a week if you follow these simple bits of advice. Best wishes to you!

Former House-Sitter,

Rhea